


If I could turn back time

by Luciferthoughts



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, AU S4xE3, Angst, Deckerstar - Freeform, F/M, Guilt, Hurt, I promise it gets better, Post-Devil Face Reveal to Chloe Decker, Rebuilding Trust, bear with me, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:02:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27122902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferthoughts/pseuds/Luciferthoughts
Summary: What if Chloe did go through with her part in father Kinley's plan?Only to realise what she's done when it's too late, leaving her with the aftermath: her own guilt rotting her insides.How can she live with herself? Is there any way to bring him back? And if there was, how could he ever forgive her for this?- An alternative plot to 4x02 because I wanted the angst, that was very present in Season 4, to go on a little longer.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 44
Kudos: 128





	1. Chapter 1

Here she was, at his penthouse, planning to roofie the devil himself. There’s no white tablecloth this time, of course there isn't. _it’s all an act. The devil has been manipulating humans since the beginning of time, if you don’t respond favorably to something, he’ll make an adjustment until you do._ Father Kinley’s words kept playing in the back of her mind, over and over.

_It’s all an act_

_It’s all an act_

_It’s all an act_

_Stay strong, don’t stall, just put the poison in his glass as soon as he’s not looking, father Kinley will do the rest. All will be over with soon_. She thought as she slowly approached the coffee table and sat down on one of the fluffy cushions. The table looked nice, simple and kind of cozy, nothing like her last visit. He made her a grilled cheese sandwich, her favorite, and even with the orange yummy stuff. And it’s moments like this, the fact that he remembers such stupid details, that make her question her plans of the night.

 _How can he actually be the devil? And who is she for the devil to take time out of his day and make her favourite dish?_ As her thoughts spiral further, she remembers what Father Kinley said again.

_It’s all an act_

_It’s all an act_

_It’s all an act_

_Every day he remains on Earth, people are in danger. Whenever he visits, death and destruction follow_. And on that note, she’s back to reality. The entire human race depends on her, _he’s dangerous and he shouldn’t be here_ , she tries to convince herself more than anybody else. Even though she knows, deep down in her heart, it’s not true. That’s not the Lucifer she knows. The Lucifer she knows is kind and funny, a pain in her ass most of the time but also her favorite person in the universe, well apart from Trixie but she doesn’t count. Was it all an act? Is the man, who’s smiling at her so softly at the moment that if she didn’t know what she knew now she would’ve kissed him right there and then, really that bad, monstrous even? Her heart was pounding in her chest and before she could say anything, not that she was planning to, he said:

“Detective, there is something I’d like to say to you… Whilst I realize that knowing the truth about me may not be easy for you… I am glad that there are no secrets between us now. “He waits a bit, trying to solve the puzzle that is currently her face and continues “And If you ever have any more questions, I shall be happy to answer any and all of them.”

 _I have SO many questions_ she thinks. But stays quiet, afraid of what the answers might be. After all, she is plotting to send him back to hell, no need for her to question her morals even more. _Come on Chloe, you are a detective, you send bad guys away every day, it’s your job. Surly this won’t be so hard_. _Just remember._

_It’s all an act_

_It’s all an act_

_It’s all an act_

“I’ve always been honest with you Detective, and I always will be” He says with hope in his eyes, hope that she believes him.

She keeps replaying her conversations with father Kinley in her mind, reminding herself why she’s here. But every time she focusses on his words its contrasted with all the happy memories she has of the man before her and the way he made her feel. Completely lost in her internal conflict she was a bit startled when he spoke again:

“Oh!” He laughs a bit when he comes to the realization “Sorry, silly me. I forgot the music. I made a playlist full of bad 90’s jams for you”

As Lucifer walks away to put his playlist on, she rapidly stops herself from spiralling off again about the fact that he made her a playlist with bad 90’s jams, her favourite. And now she only focusses on what Kinley said _Every day he remains on Earth; people are in danger. Whenever he visits, death and destruction follow._ If she has to roofie the devil tonight, now would be the time to do it. Her heart is beating like crazy. She’s not really thinking- at all- at the moment, no longer aware of what she’s doing. It's like her body is on autopilot, set in motion by Father Kinley, and her mind is blank. Without even realising it, she’s holding the small vile that Kinley gave her above his glass. She’s trembling a lot, like her mind is telling her body- that’s still on autopilot, not to go through with it. But she can’t control it. Before she knows it, the poison is blending with the red wine and her mind goes completely blank.

Several minutes pass by and her mind is still blank. She’s staring, motionless, to the wine glass that’s currently finding its way off the table. She vaguely hears music in the back, and she can tell that Lucifer is speaking but can’t make out the words. She’s having a full-on internal panic- attack. When she slowly comes back to reality, she notices his glass is as good as empty and panic strikes again. Before she can do anything about it, she sees her partner grabbing for air as he slowly falls to the ground.

Whatever panic stroke her before, it’s nothing compared to the one she’s feeling now.

_Oh no Oh no Oh no_

Tears are falling from her cheeks like waterfalls as she’s hovering over his body. One hand on his shoulder, the other on his cheeks trying to wake him and trying to wake herself from the nightmare she hopes she’s currently in. She’s unable to breath, unable to comprehend what she just did and unable to stop herself from screaming his name hoping he’ll wake up.

"LUCIFER!!!"

"LUCIFER!!!"

"LUCIFER!!!"

_I did this._

The guilt is rising up like a phoenix from a fire inside her and it’s unbearable. Not being able to control her breathing anymore she passes out next to the cold body of the devil – here’s an oxymoron- next to her. When she wakes up again, his body is gone. “All you have to do is give him the sedative and I will do the rest” _Father Kinley must have been here_. All the events that happened earlier came rushing back.

_What the hell did I do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small chapter to set the mood!
> 
> More to come, thanks for reading! 😊


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their thoughts spiral further after the facts.
> 
> \- From both perspectives

When he opens his eyes again, he knows immediately. He’s back in Hell. The smell and sight are something he wished he could forget but followed him through the years, he doesn’t wish it upon anybody. Well, almost anybody. Grey ashes are flooding down, a burned smell is capturing his nose, the screams are back, the same screams that still haunted his nightmares and there’s nothing but dark, grey and dirty stone towers at sight. He’s back. In Hell.

_What the hell happened?_

While slowly taking in his surroundings, he’s trying to reconstruct what happened and how the hell he got back here. The last thing he remembers is his date with Chloe. Everything seemed normal, she looked nice, but then again, she always looks nice in his eyes. She did look kind of nervous but giving his own stress level at the time, that didn’t seem too much out of the ordinary. He remembers putting on his 90’s jams playlist, eating his sandwich, drinking his wine, rambling on about how he’s happy he can finally be himself around her and remising on old cases where his devilness could’ve helped speed things along… But nothing seems to come to mind about how he ended up back here.

Was he missing time? Did somebody come to the penthouse?

Without going further in his thought spiral, he did what seemed most logical: fly back to earth and figure out what happened. Without giving it much thought he spread his wings and flew upwards. It only took seconds before he was slammed back to ground. It seemed like he flew against some sort of wall in full speed and bounced back to the ground as fast as he went up.

_What the hell?_

When he got back up on his feet, he looked up, trying to see a wall that clearly wasn't there. Maybe he was going to fast? He tried again, this time at a slower pace. When reaching the barriers that tied hell to earth, he bounced against the ‘wall’ again. He was at the very boarder of earth, almost able to smell it but couldn’t break through. He tried again and again, going down a bit, and back upwards in full speed to be bounced back down from some sort of invisible wall, again and again. He’s body was getting tired and this seemed to be getting him nowhere, he was stuck and had no idea how or why.

When he got back to his throne, his previous thought spiral went on.

_How the hell did I get here? Surely this must be some kind of mistake? I didn’t do anything to offend my father, did I? Maybe it’s because the detective knows who I am? After all, humans can’t have proof of the divine... No No, that can’t be it, that happened over a month ago, why send me back now? Charlotte and Linda Knew too, that didn’t seem to bother him. Maybe it’s because I killed Cain? It is possible, I deserve to be punished for that. I could only hope that the return of my devil face would be enough… It is strange timing though, why now? Why not when I killed Uriel? Why not straight after the facts? It doesn’t seem like dear old dad at all. But then again, it has been eons since I last saw or spoke to him, who knows what he’s up to, it’s not like he speaks to anyone. Dad knows he works in mysterious ways. But if it isn’t him, then who?_

His spiral goes on like that until his mind settles on one of the possibility’s, the possibility he’s been avoiding since his spiral began, the possibility that he so desperately wished was not the truth but at the time seemed the most logical.

_Maybe the detective has something to do with this?... She makes me vulnerable... She’s the last person I remember… NO, NO_

He quickly tries to think of something else, anything else, cause the thought alone that Chloe, his detective, might be behind this is enough the make him fall apart right then and there.

_It can’t be._

_Not her._

_The detective would never do that to me._

#

It’s been 12hours and 24 minutes since she roofied the devil and saying that Chloe is not doing well would be the understatement of the year. She’s still in his penthouse, has barely moved, the smell of her uneaten sandwich is beginning to dominate the room. She did manage to find his bed and curl up in his silk sheets, but that didn’t seem to help the process. In fact, his smell was still very much present, and it only reminded her of him more. So much so that she took all his sheets and curled herself around it, squeezing it harder and harder while tears are flooding down and whispers are slowly turning into screams.

“I’m sorry, I’m so SO sorry Lucifer”

“I’M SORRY!”

“LUFICER”

“PLEASE COME BACK”

“I’m so sorry”

…

This went on for a while until she couldn’t manage to get any words out anymore. Her heart ached like it never had before. Not only did she lose her partner, the best friend she ever had, but she was the reason why he’s gone. She did this. And she doesn’t know how to live with that. She wants him back. Suddenly she couldn’t care less anymore that he’s the devil, he was her friend, her best friend, and he was a good person. If only she could’ve come to her senses sooner. No, it took her sending him away for good to realize how important he was to her. What an absolute nightmare.

_What kind of partner am I?_

_What kind of friend am i?_

_How could I be so f*n stupid?_

_How could I be so blind?_

_…_

A couple hours later, when Chloe came somewhat to her senses (in thus far as possible given the situation), She managed to get out of the bed. She froze again at the sight of the table, the empty space beside it where Lucifer’s body lay, the empty wine glass… After a couple of heartbreaking minutes, she got out of her trance and went straight for the elevator, not looking back at the mess she made as she didn’t want to be reminded again of her actions. She now had mission: She was going to bring him back.

She didn’t know how or where to begin but she was destined to bring him back to her.

Even if he’d never wanted to see her again, even if he’d never forgive her. She’d at least know he wouldn’t be in hell, the place he despised with his whole heart and the place she now was certain she’d be going when the time came. But that didn’t matter at time, all that mattered was getting Lucifer back here. And for the first time she had hope again. She really had no clue how to bring him back, even if it was at all possible, according to Father Kinley it wasn’t, but she had hope. Because over a month ago she didn’t even believe in the celestial side of things and if she lives in a world where angels and demons are real than she must live in a world where there’s always a way, and she was prepared to do whatever it took.

She had a mission, and right now that was about the only thing that kept her somewhat sane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's another short one!  
> I had to add another one from both perspectives - after the facts, before really diving in the story.  
> Bear with me, more to come 😊


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe seeks advice from Linda and Amenadiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, sorry that it took me waaay longer to upload this chapter than anticipated. I had some storyline in mind but there were still too many gaps to really write it and I had a hard time filling in those gaps. Anyway, I've finally finished this chapter and already have the other chapters mapped out, so I'll upload more frequently. (I might even upload the next one tomorrow!) 
> 
> I'm not sure how many chapters are still coming but I'm assuming something around 3 or 4. 
> 
> Enjoy! (it's still angsty tho)

When she comes home, she takes a quick shower to get rid of the smell of her actions from last night. If she wanted to get Lucifer back home, she needed to clear her head. She needed to think straight. And in order to do so, she needed to get rid of the smell. The one she seemed to have brought home with her. The one who smelled liked a rich man who liked the occasional cigarette and a glass of bourbon now and then, _more like all the time_. The one she’s grown so accustomed to that from the moment she smells it, a smile appears on her face without her even noticing it. But right now, it’s also the one who reminds her of her previous actions. She can’t concentrate on anything else. But she needs to think so, she steps into the shower to get rid of the smell and hopes her mind can come up with something. Anything.

_Come on Decker, Think._

After a long spiral of possibility’s that all turned out to be a dead end, she figured she just didn’t know enough about the celestial side of things. But then again, how could she? She never even gave him the chance to explain anything. Never even gave him the time of day. _Add it to the list of things to cry about_. She thinks. There is no time to dwell on it though, she’ll have enough time for that when all of this is over. _If, it’s ever over…_

There's only one person she knows that might be able to help her further.

_Amenadiel. I need to see Amenadiel. He’ll know what to do._

_***_

She wasn’t really sure where to find him, it’s not like they spend much time together. But she recalls Ella telling her something's going on with him and Linda, so she figures the best option is Linda’s house. And thus, she finds herself at her doorstep. Preparing for what she assumed is going to be a very difficult conversation. Given that she send his brother away to hell and all… _No biggie..._

Linda is the one to open the door.

“Ahhh Choe! What a wonderful surprise, come in!” She smiles enthusiastic as she opens the door a bit further to make room for Chloe to enter. “You know, I’m glad you stopped by. I’ve been meaning to talk to you since you got back. I –“

“Linda, I’m sorry I’d love to chat but right now I really, _really,_ need to speak to Amenadiel. Is he here?” She asked while looking around the house, fidgeting with her fingers and then turning her gaze back at Linda. A smash of hope reflecting in her eyes.

Linda looked a bit confused, not really understanding what’s going on but clearly sensing Chloe is in some kind of distress. So, she did what any good therapist would do. Try and calm the patient -in this case her friend, down and get to the bottom of what’s bothering her.

“Euhm… _no_. He is not here at the moment... Chloe, is everything alright?” She said sincerely “You seem a bit.. euhm.. stressed?” She grabbed her arm and gestured her towards the couch “Here, why don’t you sit down and tell me what’s going on”

Chloe resisted a bit but then followed her anyway.

“No..no Linda, there’s really nothing you can do about it…” A desperate sigh left her mouth “I just… I just really need to talk to Amenadiel. Do you know where he is? Or.. or how I can reach him?” The desperation clearly audible in her voice. And if that weren’t enough, her eyes told more than she could speak.

Linda watched her closely and shifted in her seat so she could properly face Chloe.

“Chloe, does this...” she stopped a second to consider her words carefully “Whatever this is… perhaps have anything to do with Lucifer?”

“No... well, yes… but you wouldn’t understand Linda that’s why I need to talk to Amenadiel. Can you please just tell me where he is, it’s _really_ urgent. Please Linda the longer this takes the longer… well, never mind it’s just... it’s very important. Could you call him please?” 

“I see. Well, that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about... You see, I think I might understand more than you think.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s just say that I understand why you felt the need to run to Europe after you saw… what you saw…Because I’ve seen it as well and my reaction wasn’t that much better…”

“You mean you _know?”_ A look of disbelieve captured her face.

Linda nodded

“Like, you know _know?_ Like,You’ve seen his face? His _other_ face?”

“I did” Linda said calmly “It was… it was _quite_ alarming”

Chloe needed a second to comprehend this new information. Maybe if she’d known that Linda knew they could’ve talked about it… Maybe she could’ve prevented the events that happened. Maybe…

“How long have you known?” The disbelieved look still very clearly visible on her face

“For quite some time now. I’d say 2 years more or less”

“How? When? No, never mind… we can talk about this later… Linda, I’ve made a horrible mistake”

“I don’t think running of to Europe was a mistake Chloe. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to need some time to clear your head… Believe me, I had a hard time dealing with it as well. You know I-“ 

She tried to explain further before Chloe interrupted her.

“No Linda, that’s not what I’m talking about. I… I did something really bad and I don’t know how to fix it I… I…” She started sobbing, trying hard to form words “I really need to talk to Amenadiel... maybe… maybe he can fix this... Linda he needs to fix it… I can’t... I can’t…” She tried to finish her sentence but the lump in her throat took over and she started crying harder.

Linda skootched closer and laid her hand on her knee, gently giving it a squeeze so she knows she’s there.

“It’s ok Chloe. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I’m sure we’ll find a way to fix things”

“No… No… what I did, it’s horrible, I don’t know how to fix it, I… I…” She was at a loss for words again and let her head rest in her palms.

“Then, tell me. Maybe I can help?” She said with a warm inviting smile on her face to reassure Chloe of her sincerity.

And so, she did. It was hard, and many cry breaks had to take place. But she told her everything from the very start. From when she went to Rome until the events of last night. She told her about Kinley, about her research, about the vile, about her doubts once she saw him again and about the words of Kinley that made her doubt her own feelings, and in the end also made her do what she did.

Linda was quiet and let her tell her story without interrupting her or judging her. She was mad at her though, Lucifer is her friend after all, and he certainly didn’t deserve that. She can only imagine what’s going on in his mind right now, all the progress they’ve made, gone… But she is also understanding of Chloe’s point of view because she went through it as well. She’s not justifying her actions, far from it. But she understands -kinda. And as her friend she needs to step up and be the bigger person. She imagens she feels guilty enough on her own so, doesn’t need Linda’s judgement on top of it.

“Linda, what do I do? I… I didn’t mean to... I’m sorry … I’m so sorry … I don’t know what to do, please help me” Her words came desperately and sobbingly.

“Well, I’m not quite sure what we can do Chloe, but I promise we will find a way. Ok?”

Linda looked over at Chloe who didn’t really seemed convinced of her words. And she couldn’t even blame her. S _he_ wasn’t even convinced of her own words but right now her friend needed a bit of hope and so she would gladly give it to her.

“Come here” She said as she opened her arm to welcome her in an embrace.

Chloe went willingly and buried her nose in her neck while continuing to cry. Linda laid her chin on top of her head and stroked her hair softly while repeatedly assuring her that everything’s gonna be ok.

While still holding on to Linda she said “How could I be so stupid? … How could I’ve let this happen?”

“I don’t know Chloe, people make mistakes”

“I’m pretty sure none of you ever messed up this bad. And... and even if we can fix this, even _If_ we get him back to earth, he’ll never want to speak to me again. And I... I don’t blame him of course, how can I… I mean It’s horrible what I did but I Just…” She sighed “I don’t want to loose him” she almost whispered. Because she has no right to feel sad for herself.

Linda let go of the embrace and instead grabbed her shoulder so she could look in her eyes.

“Look at me Chloe. We have no idea how he may react or what he’ll say or do _once_ he’s back on earth” She laid the emphasis on once because she knows Chloe needed that little reassurance. “Right now, let’s focus on getting him back here and _then_ we can see how to takes things further, ok?”

Chloe nodded “Yeah, yeah you’re right” She nodded one more time and straightened herself. “So, any ideas on how to fix this?” A little hope reflected in her eyes.

“Well, No. _But_ Let’s think… Maybe together we can come up with something. And… and Amenadiel will be back soon - I assume, and maybe he’ll know what to do?” She watched as Chloe nodded softly “For now let’s see what we can come up with together ok? I’m sure you’ve given this some thought already, so why don’t you tell me what you’ve come up with?”

“I have thought about it but so far I’ve come up with nothing but… but I don’t really know anything about celestials… or Lucifer for that matter…” The last part came out more like a whisper “See I never really let him explain himself and, and I should have… I _know_ I should have but…” She sighed, knowing she’s going off topic again “That’s why I wanted to talk to Amenadiel, I hoped he could tell more about… everything”

“ah, I see”

“Do you... do you know anything about celestials or anything hell related?” Another hopeful look appeared on her face.

“Euhm let me see” She stayed silenced for a while and thought about what she could tell her without breaking patient confidentiality “From what Lucifer told me, time moves a lot slower in hell, it contains certain doors where people’s hell loops take place…and euhm… I’m sorry Chloe I don’t think I can be of much help further”

“What do you mean by ‘hell loops’?”

“Well Lucifer told me that people choose their own destiny when the time comes. When you end up down _there_ , it means your own guilt has driven you there. You will be stuck in your own loop, replaying what your unconscious minds feel most guilty about… at least that’s what I gathered from Lucifer’s description” She told her calmly. She’s well aware this might not be the best thing for her to hear right know but she’ll find out sooner or later and she doesn’t feel like lying to her friend.

 _I’m pretty sure what my loop will look like_ she thinks as she listens to Linda.

“So Lucifer has no say in who goes there? ”

"No he doesn't"

"Uhu…yeah... I see…" She nodded. Before she could say anything else, they were interrupted by the front door being opened and Amenadiel entering the house.

“Hi Chloe, how nice to see you. How are you?” He said with a friendly and welcoming smile.

Both ladies came straight to the point and asked Amenadiel to sit with them. Chloe went through everything like she did with Linda. When it became harder for Chloe to make out the words, Linda helped and filled in the gaps as precisely as she could. When they were done talking, both ladies stared at Amenadiel with hope in their expression.

Amenadiel didn’t really know how to react to _that_. He’s never been very close with Lucifer but his time on earth made him see him in a different perspective and they’ve grown closer ever since. There was a time where he’d be glad to know that his little brother is back in hell, but not anymore. He knows better now and he knows that he doesn’t deserve to be stuck there. So whatever feelings he might have towards Chloe right know, he sets them aside and tries to think of a way to help them get him back. Because if there’s one thing Amenadiel has, it’s faith. And he has faith that there is a way.

“So, you were there, in the same room as Lucifer, when he drank the poison, right?” He asked Chloe. Not to be rude or insensitive, but to understand what, or more how it happened.

Chloe couldn’t face him so instead she looked towards the ground, nodded a little and mumbled an “Uhu”.

“Ok. So that might explain why it worked in the first place” Amenadiel thought out loud.

Linda knew what he was referring to but didn’t dare bring it up earlier. Mostly because of her patient confidentiality but also because she didn’t want to hurt her friend any further.

“What… what do you mean?” She looked up to Amenadiel with a very confused look in her eyes.

“I'm assuming my brother hasn’t shared this information yet?” He looked at Linda for her permission to continue but her conflicted look didn’t really seem to help him further “Perhaps it’s not my place to tell you this Chloe” he gave her a sympathetic glance. 

“Well, it’s not like he can tell me, _I_ made sure of that” she laughed ironically at herself “Please Amenadiel, just tell me, whatever it is” She begged. _Things can’t get any worse than they already are,_ she thought.

“As you wish Chloe… you see, we celestials are immortal… we can’t be killed or hurt by anything, euhm…earthbound.” He looked at her, trying to see if she’s following. When she nodded, he continued. “So, in normal circumstances the poison wouldn’t have any effect on my brother” he gave her a second to take the information in and continued again “but given that you were in the room with him, he _was_ able to get hurt by it. Because... you make him vulnerable Chloe”

“What do you mean ‘I make him vulnerable’?”

“I mean that you, quite _literally,_ make him vulnerable. When you’re near him, he’s as mortal as it gets”

_Ok. so, things can get worse than they already are. Not only am I the one who gave him the poison, I’m also the reason he was able to get hurt by it. This is great, just great. Another thing to add to my list to cry about later. _

Things did start to make more sense now. How he got out of that fire harmlessly, how he only gets hurt sometimes, why he was so surprised when she shot him, and he bled. _The bullet necklace._ She remembers suddenly, It brought a whole other meaning to the gift. ‘it appears you make me vulnerable as well, Detective’ she remembers him saying.

The tears were forming in her eyes again “But why… why do I make him vulnerable?”

“That I do not know Chloe”

She stays quiet for a bit and lets everything sink in for a while.

“Ok. So how do I fix this? _Can_ I fix this? I’ll do anything, please Amenadiel, tell me I can fix this?”

“I’m not sure Chloe. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before either. Perhaps I can go to the silver city and ask if anybody knows what to do there?”

 _Right… angel and all. Wings…keep it together Decker_ she thinks as Amenadiel continues

“Although I’m not sure anybody would want to help him, he’s not the most popular back home… Maybe I can try to talk to dad? He is hard to reach these days, but you never know. I’m not sure if he’ll want to help though, because after all, he is the reason Lucifer is there in the first place” He rambles, more like thinking out loud.

“Would you want to try that? Please Amenadiel… I don’t know what else to do” She begged.

“I’ll do my best Chloe, but I can’t promise anything” He said sincerely.

“Thank you” she sighed. Some weight falls from her shoulders and she feels a bit relieve. She has some hope again.

On that note, Amenadiel spread his wings and was gone in an eyeblink.

Chloe had never seen his wings before, or Lucifer’s for that matter -not attached to him that is, so she was startled for a second at what just had transpired.

Linda could tell she was barely holding it together, so she stood up and faced Chloe. She opened her arms again and pulled her up in her arms.

Chloe didn’t really have to energy to hug Linda back properly, so she just sank into her body and let Linda pamper her for a bit, even though she felt she didn’t deserve any of it.

“Why don’t you lay down on the couch a bit? You clearly haven’t slept much. I’ll go grab some pillows and a blanket and you get some rest. There’s nothing for us to do right now anyway, we’ll just wait until Amenadiel comes back and I’ll wake you from the moment he’s here. Ok?” She guided her back to the couch.

Chloe nodded and waited for Linda to return with the pillows and a blanket.

When Linda returned, she settled herself into the couch and closed her eyes. She was _so_ tired, but sleep was the last thing on her mind. Instead, she thought about Lucifer.

About how he’s feeling right now.

About the pain he’s in and the confusion.

About his beautiful eyes and smile and how she’ll never see them shine as bright as they did before.

About how he _always_ told her the truth.

About how much she misses him.

About how much she cares for him.

About how sorry she is to do this to him.

About how she’d kill for a stupid innuendo right now.

About how she’ll never hear one intended for her again.

…

She thought about their partnership

About all the things she cast off as ‘delusions’ but now make much more sense.

About the cases they solved together.

About the time Malcom shot him.

About the time she was poisoned.

About Candy.

About Pierce.

…

_So many_ questions come to mind.

_Why didn’t I just talk to him?_

_Ask him these things instead of running away?_

‘I was afraid, afraid that if you saw all of me, knew all of me, you would run away’ she remembers him saying. And he was right, she did run away, even though she told him she didn’t see him that way. She gave him false hope. And there’s another thing to add to her guilt list. She recalls on him saying ‘You’ll need a much bigger notepad Detective’ and she laughs/cries Ironically at the reality of it all.

She holds on tightly to her blanket and sobs, even shivers a bit, lost in her own thoughts.

And she hopes. She hopes with all her heart that somewhere at the end of the tunnel she digged herself, there’ll be light. _And let it be the lightbringer, let him be the light at the end of my tunne_ l, she hopes as she waits anxiously for the return of Amenadiel. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hoped you liked it!
> 
> There's more angst to follow but I promise it gets better at some point!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to write a summary for this chapter. Just read and you'll find out! 😊

Chloe managed to get some sleep in, mostly going in and out of it, before Linda woke her to tell her Amenadiel was back.

Chloe never saw herself as ‘athletic’ or ‘fit’, but she swears if there would be an Olympic sport called ‘jumping out of a sofa your friend provided for you’, she’d won a gold medal for that specific moment. She was on her feet in a matter of milliseconds and faced Amenadiel.

“And? Is he here? Can we do something? Tell me we can do something?” The desperation clearly audible in her voice.

“I’m not sure Chloe. I did the best I could but like I said before, Lucifer is not very liked back in the silver city” he didn’t want to give her any false hope right from the beginning “I wasn't able to get a word in with father, but that was to be expected. However, I did run in to Azrael and she _does_ have a soft spot when it comes to lucifer. I told her the situation Lucifer’s currently in and she said she wanted to help.”

He saw the splash of hope immediately capturing Chloe’s eyes, so he needed to ground her back to reality before continuing

“Chloe, me and my sister still don’t have a clue how to bring him back so don’t get your hopes up too much. Ok? We came to the conclusion that, if what you’re saying is true and the poison you ga… er...the poison Lucifer absorbed… trapped him in hell all eternity than we might need some higher force to help us out. Given that we, _angels,_ are a pretty high force already there aren’t many higher forces than us… Well, there’s only one, dad.”

“But… but… you said you weren’t able to get to him? How can you get to him? Can I do something? Do I pray? Or...Or anything?” Tears were capturing her eyes again and the shiver and desperation was still clearly audible in her voice.

Linda saw her friend struggling again so stepped in for minute.

“Here Chloe, why don’t you sit down while I grab you a glass of water so you can calm down a bit”

She guided Chloe back down again “I’m sure Amenadiel isn’t done telling his story, so why don’t you let him finish it first before panicking ok?”

Chloe softly nodded multiple times while pressing her lips together, taking in everything that’s happening around her and reminding herself that everything’s going to be ok. _not_ _really but let’s pretend_. She sat down and returned her gaze back at Amenadiel, allowing him to continue.

“You are right. I wasn’t able to connect with father, Michael seems to be the only one who can get through, but he certainly isn’t the best person to confide in.” He sensed she wasn’t following so explained a bit further “Michael is Lucifer’s twin brother, let’s just say they don’t really get along…Anyway, Azrael and I figured that the only achievable possibility to get dad’s attention is to start some sort of a rival in the silver city”

Chloe’s eyes flashed open. _A rival? What does that even mean? Are they gonna start a war? Because of me?..._

Amenadiel picked up on her internal panic attack so quickly continued “Don’t worry Chloe, it’s not as serious as it sounds. You see my siblings like to know everything, especially when it comes down to the likes of Lucifer. They all have very strong opinions and are not afraid to share them with each other. Azrael is going to spread the word here and there and we hope that might cause some sort of … er… _Conflict?”_ He’s not really sure what he’s expecting “We hope that if enough siblings are talking about it, father might be interested enough to see what all the fuss is about” he said with a sympathetic look on his face as he looked at Chloe.

“And… and… do you think that’s going to work?”

“Honestly Chloe, I have no idea. For now, it’s the only thing I can think of that _might_ help him. But you need to understand Chloe, that it might take some time to reach dad’s attention and _if_ it ever reaches him, I’m not sure he’ll actually _want_ to do anything about it… I’m not trying to crush your hope Chloe, but we also need to be realistic and think about the possibility that there might not be a way to bring him back. Ok?”

Chloe nodded softly, trying hard not to break apart.

“As for the praying part you mentioned earlier. I’m not sure that will do anything, I think father stopped answering prayers a long time ago. _But_ you can always try, you never know. It might even help you... As for now, we can only wait and see if anything stirs up above. I’ll go back tomorrow and see if anything has changed yet ok? I suggest you _try_ and go back to life as it was before and take your mind of things for a bit.”

_It’s a nice gesture of Amenadiel and he means well but if he thinks that life will ever be back to as it was ‘before’ than he’s very mistaken._ She thinks

She thanks Amenadiel and Linda for their hospitality and help. She asked Amenadiel to keep her updated the moment he knows something more and then goes on her way.

To where? That she doesn’t know.

She gets in her car and just drives around. She drives to the beach they first kissed, _their beach_. She drives passed sunset boulevard and passes LUX, she drives to the many places they’ve worked cases together. And she reminisces, she thinks about ‘the good old days’ and how she’s supposed to go back to life as it was ‘before’.

****

A week has passed, and she went back to life as it was before. Expect that it was far from how it was before.

She stood up every morning around 6.30 and prepared Trixie for school. She tried to act ‘cool’ for her daughter as best she could, but Trixie was quick to pick up on her mother’s mood change. She knows it probably has something to do with Lucifer so tries to stay away from the subject as much as possible. And Chloe appreciates the -not having to go through the talk again.

When she arrives at work she’s still greeted with an overly friendly Ella. _If only she’d knew what I did_.   
But she’s glad Ella is still the same as she was before and she’s very glad she finally dropped the subject of Lucifers absences because she’s running out of subjects to avoid the question.

Her desk is still the same as before, although the chair on her right remains empty.

She still enjoys her morning coffee, although it’s not a tall nonfat almond milk latte with sugar free caramel drizzle.

She still interrogates suspect although it’s _way_ harder to tell what they truly desire.

She still goes home after work and makes her daughter a homecooked meal. They watch a movie after or play a game. Not monopoly though, that one she’ll probably never play again.

And when Trixie is in bed she goes to bed as well. Except before, she didn’t feel this _empty._ She didn’t feel this void in her stomach desperately wanting to be filled. And before she didn’t have to cry herself to sleep.

7 days have gone by and her life is continuing solemnly on autopilot, every day the same thing. She doesn’t even remember what _before_ felt like.

Amenadiel keeps her updated, as of right now most sibling seem to be aware of the situation and some kind of disharmony took place but so far, there’s still no word from god.

And so, she prays. She prays to god. Every chance she gets, she prays. She asks him for forgiveness. Not for herself, but for his son. To forgive whatever grudge he’s still holding over him. She asks him for his help, and she ask him for his guidance.

****

What has been 7 days on earth, has been almost a decade in Hell. And Lucifer stopped trying to figure out what happened a _long_ time ago.

He was back to where he belonged and did as he was told eons ago. He rules hell and all demon until eternity. He didn’t like it, far from it, but he accepted his fate once it became clear there was no way out of there.

What seemed to be another normal- in thus far ‘normal’ can be used in hell, day in hell, turned out to be quite the opposite.

Out of nowhere a big flash of light captured the skies of hell and it was the brightest light he’d ever seen. And that’s saying _a lot_ coming from the lightbringer. Maybe it was because hell never saw any light and the contrast was too big to comprehend but either way, the light was extravagant.

Only one thing came to mind, or more precisely: one person. “Dad?” A chocked and overwhelmed lucifer almost whispered with disbelieve.

And just as fast as the light came and overtook the depths of hell, it disappeared .

However, Lucifer had felt the presence of his dad very strongly and didn’t miss the message he transmitted through the light.

_‘Hell no longer needs a warden’_

_What??_ Was Lucifers first reaction followed by _many_ other questions.

He looks up to the sky, that was no longer filled with light and yells defeated.

“What do you mean hell no longer needs a warden?”

“ANSWER ME”

“You come here, unannounced, after _eons_ of silence and just tell me ‘hell no longer needs a warden’?”

“What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Hu?”

“Not even an apology? No explanation for locking me here in the first place? No nothing?”

“Well thank you very much dad! How _wonderfully_ kind of you”

He took a moment to catch his breath and come back to his senses. Once he felt like he could think again, he wasted no time. He spread his wings and flew towards the earthly bounds to test what he thought this message meant.

And he was right. The earthly bounds no longer resisted his presence, and he could fly back to the place that has been his only home in his very lonely and long existence.

He couldn’t believe it. To say he was happy would be the understatement of his existence – which was a long _long_ time. He was ecstatic. Nor only could he go back to earth but, _if_ he can believe what his father told him, he never had to go back to hell either.

He flew immediately to his penthouse. Taking in every scent, every sight and every noise he could possibly capture. He was _home_.

The events that transpired a week before were no longer visible, as the housecleaning staff made sure to put everything back in order.

Once he had grown accustomed to his accommodation again, he settled at the bar, poured himself a proper glass of bourbon and took a moment to appreciate his surroundings.

When he finished his glass, he took a shower to rinse of anything hell related, put on one of his finest suits and went off to search for a particular person.

****

Choe was alone in her apartment. Trixie was with Dan for the weekend and Maze, well, she’s not even sure Maze still lives there. She hasn’t really been around much.

The house is empty and silent with Trixie gone and Chloe has a hard time dealing with her emotions when she’s alone for a long time. So, she tries to keep as busy as possible. Right now, she is rearranging everything she can think of. He bookshelves, her kitchen cabinets…

Without her noticing a familiar man arrived at her door and let himself in, which is very much in character. He was standing in front of the now closed door and noticed his presences wasn’t noted yet.

And so, he coughed a couple times to not scare the lady who was very busy rearranging her sofa cushions. She turned her head and stepped a little closer toward the kitchen so she can properly face who’s in her home.

From the moment her eyes captured the man, who’s now standing only a couple feet away from her, she froze. Completely perplexed at the sight of him.

“Lucifer..” The sound barely escaped her mouth.

Lucifer carefully stepped closer. Testing the waters.

“Hello Detective” He said with a calm and charismatic voice and a small smile on his face. The way she knows him.

Her eyes widened and she felt like she was dreaming. She started bawling on the spot, unable to hold herself together. All she wanted to do was go up to him, hug him and never let him go. She knows she had no right. she knows that. But the sight of him is just too overwhelming and so she does.

She launched herself around his waist and starts shivering and crying in his chest. She’s mumbling words but it’s not really understandable.

Lucifer flinched a little, he’s not really sure what’s happening but hugs her back tightly, nonetheless.

“I’m sorry detective I know I’ve run away in the past but I assure you this time it was completely out of my hands” he said sincerely while stroking her back.

Chloe couldn’t really comprehend what he was saying. She was still way to overwhelmed with his presence.

She kept Rambling “I’m sorry… I’m so so sorry Lucifer” into his chest. It was hard to make out the words at first, but Lucifer eventually understood.

He loosened the embrace a little bit so he could properly face her.

“Detective, what on _earth_ are you sorry for?” he asked with a very confused look on his face.

And it was in that moment, as she was staring in his eyes, barely able to see anything through her own tears, that it hit her.

_He doesn’t know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> In the next chapter we'll find out how Chloe will handle the situation. Will she tell him?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe needs to decide how to handle things further.

_He doesn’t know._

_Omg he doesn’t know._

As realization hit her harder every second, she held Lucifer a little tighter. This might be the last time she’ll get the chance to, so she might as well make it last as long as possible. She’s well aware that she has to tell him, and she _will_. She definitely will. But right now she wants to take a minute and enjoy having her partner back without all the complications and pain. Because she missed him, _god_ she missed him. And she knows it's selfish, and she knows it's not real as long as he doesn’t know but for now, she wants to live in the delusion that everything is ok. So, she holds Lucifer a little tighter, buries her nose further in his chest, takes in his – o so lovely scent, and let the tears roll of her face in silence.

Lucifer’s having a hard time comprehending what exactly is going on but as of right now, he doesn’t really care. His detective is curled up in his arms and after years of loneliness in hell, this is the best welcome home gift he could imagine. He holds her tightly, rests his chin on her head and softly strokes her back.

After a couple of minutes holding each other tightly and enjoying the silence, Lucifer speaks up.

“Detective, as much as I enjoy this warm welcome, and I do, I really do. Would you perhaps care to enlighten me as to why I’m receiving it in the first place?” A typical Lucifer smile on his face as he let go of her and took a small step back, so they were facing each other properly.

Chloe started fidgeting with her fingers again, unable to look him in the eyes so gazed at the floor instead.

_Right, this is it. It’s now or never Decker. You have to tell him. He’ll find out one way or another._

She told herself as she gathered all the courage she could find.

“Lucifer…” The sound barely escaped her mouth, so she tried again “Lucifer… I…I know why you disappeared” It came out more like a whisper but just loud enough to understand. As she gathered the last of her courage together, she lifted her head to look him in the eye because he deserved as much. “Becau…. Because I’m the reason why it happened” Tears still very present in her eyes.

“I’m afraid I’m not following Detective” A very confused look on his face.

“I’m the reason why you got stuck in hell.” She told him loud and square because she couldn’t handle his puppy eyes anymore. “I’m so _so_ sorry Lucifer, I don’t know what got into to me, I went to Rome and did all this research on…. Well, _you..._ and somehow this priest called Father Kinley found me and convinced me that you were this evil creature like the books say and I… and I believed him.” She sighed defeated “But from the moment I got back I started having doubts because I remembered how you made me feel and I realized you weren’t _that_ person. _But_ he got into my head and I… I couldn’t make out what was real and what was not anymore and…” She couldn’t look at him anymore so focused back on the ground “And before I knew, I…I… poisoned your drink with something Father Kinley gave me…” The last part came out notably quieter than the other parts.

Lucifer didn’t say anything at all. He just looked at her with tears in his eyes and a very, _very_ hurt and confused look on his face.

“I’m sorry Lucifer, I’m so s _o_ sorry. I know better now but I know it’s too late and I know I messed up but I’m so glad you’re back. I thought I’d never see you again and it took me loosing you to realize how important you are to me and you _are,_ you are so important to me Lucifer I don’t know why I ever doubted it. I know you’re not that person in the books and I’m so sorry, I don’t know how I can ever make it up to you.” She started approaching him more to try and convince him of her sincerity.

As she stepped closer, Lucifer stepped back. His head was slightly shaking because he couldn’t, no he didn’t _want_ to believe what he was hearing. In fact, he’d rather stayed in hell for all eternity believing his father was behind this than living on earth knowing the only person that ever mattered to him was the one who hurt him the most.

“So… So, let me get straight Detective…” The sad puppy still visible in his eyes but contrasted with an angry and despised tone in his voice “I was trapped in hell for almost a decade because you decided to trust a complete stranger instead of listening to me, the partner you happen to know for almost 4 years and Oh, also the person this whole bloody circus is about” All his feelings came rushing to the center of his heart and he couldn’t hold back the hurt he was feeling. He raised his voice, and his hands were all over the place, unsure of how to hold himself together. “How could you do that to me, to _me?..._ If you would’ve just talked to me, _asked_ me whatever was on your mind I would’ve told you, you know I don’t lie.” His tone got from angry to just very sad and defeated.

Chloe just stood there, crying and nodding because he was right, and he was angry, and he had every right to be. She hurt him in the worst way possible and there were no words to make up for it.

“I know and I’m so sorry Lucifer, you have no idea how sorry I am. I don’t know what to say- “

She couldn’t even finish her sentence before Lucifer interrupted her.

“Oh, you don’t have to say anything Detective, you’ve made your point aboundingly clear. You want me gone and I’ll happily oblige. I’ll be out of your way, so no need to worry about me eating the heads of children anymore. Goodbye Detective. I’d say it was lovely to see you again but that would be a lie and well apparently we don’t both know I never do that” He nodded once and turned around heading for the door.

“Lucifer, No wait please…” It came out more as a sob, but she was too late. Before she made it out herself, he was gone already. She sank down against the door outside and started sobbing uncontrollably.

_I lost him._

_****_

Lucifer started flying to nowhere, anywhere. Anywhere that was not t _here_ anymore. He couldn’t hold himself together any longer and just let everything go in the sky.

He didn’t know what to think or how to continue from now on. All he knew was that whatever this feeling is he’s experiencing right know it _hurts._ It hurts every fiber of his being and he doesn’t know what to do about it. No matter what, nothing will change the fact that the one person he cared about, the only one who he sought acceptance from, was the one who not only didn’t, but also betrayed him on top of it. How does one recover from that?

All he knew was that he couldn’t see her anymore. And the thought of it hurt even more. Because despite what she did to him, it doesn’t change the fact that they shared some great memories and the thought of letting go is hard. She’s special, he’s just not worthy of her grace -something she now finally seems to agree with.

 _Maybe it’s for the best. She had to realize it sometime._ He thinks as he lands back to his penthouse.

Tonight, he’ll make sure to test that super-fast metabolism of him and try to beat it with his extensive top shelf collection.

Tomorrow? Maybe he can talk to the good doctor about everything and go see his brother & Maze. That might get his mind of things.

After that? Well, let’s take it day by day. Maybe he’ll look into moving someplace else or try to find another way to pass his now free days, he’ll think of things- or who’s, to do.

 _As long as I can stay clear of the detective, everything will be fine_. He tries to convince himself. Because seeing her will make things that much more difficult.

****

As days went by Lucifer did as planned. He visited Doctor Linda, they talked about his return, her pregnancy, his time in hell and about the events that took place regarding the Detective. Linda mostly listened and let him come to his own conclusions, as she does most of the time. By the end she hugged him and said she was glad that he was back. She ended the session with a last note of advice when he was just on his way out:

“Lucifer… as your therapist, I’m glad to see how you handled this situation, it’s shows _genuine_ progress and I’m very proud of you _. But_ , as your friend, somebody who knows both of you, it saddens me to see how things turned out for the both of you. I’m not saying that what Chloe did wasn’t horrible and hurt you in more ways than I can possibly imagine. I’m also not telling you to forgive her, that discission is totally up to you. But for what it’s worth, she came to me when… uh… _everything?_... had happened and she was _a mess_ and as far as I can tell, she genuinely feels very sorry for her actions.”

Lucifer nodded once and took off.

He went to see Amenadiel, stopped to say hi to miss Lopez when he was sure the Detective wasn’t around and for the rest of the days, he kept himself ‘busy’. Which mostly meant drinking everything in eyesight, not showering, ordering take out and watching every episode bones again.

As for Chloe, she was glad to know that Lucifer was back on earth but the pit in her stomach was still very much present. The thought of him hating her was killing her. And she missed him, she missed how things used to be.

She went back to her life ‘before’. But now it was just like before Lucifer was ever in the picture. She went back to work but flying solo once again. Her collogues talked behind her back again after the whole pierce fiasco, Dan was completely focused on work because of so Charlotte so he didn’t pay much attention to her. So things were exactly like 4 years ago. Except back then, she didn’t know about one Lucifer Morningstar and she didn’t know how wonderful it was to have him in her life.

She knew things would never be the same, but she still texted him every day when she got home from work. She told him about her day, when or how his help would come in handy and that he is always welcome to come back when he wanted. She always ended with the same thing.

_‘I’m so sorry Lucifer’._

Sometimes she’d text him randomly as well. Something in the lines of _‘Can we talk?’_ or ‘ _I miss you’._ But he never responded.

She found herself a new occupation for when she’s alone at night. Since her trip to Rome only focused on the bad side of Lucifer, she never let herself think about all the other stuff. How much did she get wrong? Who was he actually? And how many things would make much more sense now that she knows the truth? So, every chance got, she went through all their old case files starting from the very first one to the last. Trying to remember every detail and what Lucifer might have said or done.

It filled her with a warm nostalgic feeling of the good old days. Even if it hurt to look back, it was nice to finally know the real Lucifer, and everything started to make so much more sense. However, combined with all the clarity that came with the cases, came a lot more questions.

_Did he really die when Malcom shot him?_

_How did he safe me when I was poisoned?_

_Who is charlotte Richards?_

_….._

She wanted to ask Lucifer about all of it, but she knew he didn’t want to see her, she asked many times, but he never responded... So, she did what she did last time when she was in this situation. Go to Linda & Amenadiel.

****

When she arrived at Linda’s she didn’t waste any time. She had her little notebook by her side, filled with everything she wanted to know, and she wasn’t going to leave before she knew.

Linda told her that she didn’t feel comfortable sharing all this information with her but that she’ll answer as much as she feels comfortable with. Amenadiel followed Linda’s lead.

Maze was there as well, which was a convivence for her apparently because whatever Linda and Amenadiel didn’t feel comfortable telling her, Maze didn’t seem to have any trouble spitting out. Perhaps that’s because she’s still mad at her for sending her best friend away and wants her to feel more guilty. It was torture after all, hearing about all these wonderful things Lucifer did for her knowing what she did to him in return. But she needed to know.

They talked about everything on her list:

Malcom

Uriel (or how she wrote it in her notebook: That time he looked like a homeless magician)

The Poison

Candy

Charlotte

Pierce

…

They didn’t tell the whole story, or not the one from Lucifer’s point of view but enough for her to fill in most of the gabs.

Chloe was overwhelmed to say the least. She had no clue of all these major things happening in his life and felt like a complete idiot for not seeing how much he actually cared for her. The only thing she wanted right now is to go see him and apologize her heart out one more time. It didn’t matter anymore that he didn’t want to see her, she needed to tell him to his face even if she had to tie him down to make him listen.

****

When she arrived at LUX the nerves were killing her. As she rode the elevator, she thought about what she might find when the doors open. Maybe he’ll have company? A very likely case she thinks as she starts doubting her plan to go unannounced. Either way, she’s in it now and there’s no turning back.

When the doors slide open, she’s surprised at what she sees. This is not at all what she expected. The place is a mess! There are clothes everywhere, Half-filled glasses laying around, empty food boxed on the table and a passed-out Lucifer on the sofa.

Lucifer is wearing one of his silk robes, his hair is curly and very messy, and his socks have holes in them.

 _He’s a mess_ she thinks as she sinks a little further in her guilt driven whole.

She doesn’t know how to let her presence know so does the same thing as he did when he came back. She coughs a couple of times, loud enough to wake him from his nap.

Lucifer jerks up in heartbeat, unsure of his surroundings as he’s still half dreaming. He scans the room quickly and then settles his look on the Detective.

“Detective, what are you doing here? Please leave, I cannot deal with this right now ok?” He sighed. He didn’t sound mad or angry. He was just very sad, like he’d given up.

From the moment he laid eyes on her, hers were filling with water again. She broke him, she broke the devil. She was still standing beside the bar, not brave enough to go any closer.

“Yes, I know and I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to see me… but I couldn’t handle it anymore Lucifer. I just need to get this of my chest and then I’m done, I’ll let you live your life in peace, and you don’t have to worry about me bothering you anymore. I just... I-you need to know, you deserve to know.” She stepped a little closer, not much, just a couple of steps but she wanted to face him properly. “I know about everything. I know that you died when Malcom shot you, I know about what you did for me when I got poisoned, I know about pierce and… and I know about Uriel..”

That seemed to strike a nerve with Lucifer as he immediately stood up, tears forming in his eyes and a very hurt look on his face, expecting to be scolded but also asking for forgiveness.

“And I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. You didn’t deserve that Lucifer and I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there for you” She saw a flash of relieve in his eyes before she continued “I know I messed up big time and don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I wanted to say thank you”

A confused look captured his face.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably be death right now, so thank you. Thank you for being my partner all these years, you are truly the best partner I could've ever asked for, and I’ll cherish our years together forever. Thank you for bringing me coffee every morning, for opening my doors, for all the little things I never appreciated before. Thank you for being so good to Trixie even though you're not the biggest fan of kids. Thank you for all the laughter you've cost me and thank you for always being there for me, even if I didn't appreciate it at the time... But most importantly, thank you for being my friend, my best friend. I never truly appreciated your presence in my life until I’ve come to learn what it feels like to live without it, and I hate it. But I understand why you don’t want to see me anymore, what I did, it’s unforgivable. But you have the right to know that you Lucifer Morningstar, Devil and all, are the love of my life…” the tears rolling of her face as she’s talking.

Lucifers eyes pop wide open on that last note and he’s completely perplexed. He just stands still and stares at her in denial of what he just heard her say.

Chloe dares to come a bit closer. She’s still a couple feet away but she wants her sincerity to come through to him, so she manages to align herself completely with his front.

“I love you Lucifer. I am in love with you and I probably always will be”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you like it.
> 
> One more chapter to go 😊


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!

Lucifer just stood there. Unable to comprehend what he just heard, let alone how to react to it. He was staring at her with his big brown puppy eyes who were looking for any sign that might tell him this was a dream, or some sort of sick joke she was playing. But he couldn’t find any and so he took another minute to let _that_ sink in.

“Detective-

“No. Don’t say anything… Not right now. Let… let it just sit there for a while.” She smiled at him softly. “I don’t expect you to say it back or say anything for that matter. I just wanted you to know because you deserve as much, you deserve to know that you are loved.” She took a deep breath, glad that this was of her chest. “So… I’ll leave you alone then” She nodded and started to go towards the elevator but turned around before reaching the bar again. “Just know that if you ever want to come back to work or want to talk or _anything_ , I’ll be more than happy to welcome you back -no strings attached. I just want my friend back, or anything you’re willing to give. And I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me” She smiled at him one more time and left on that note.

Lucifer was still frozen on the spot. He stared at the elevator doors for a while, still stuck in the gaze where he last saw her. The detective loved him? Hearing her say those words filled his chest with a warmth he never experienced before.

_How is that possible? Surely that can’t be true?_

But he knew she was telling the truth. He can tell when people are lying to him and this was not the case. It didn’t help to understand it though. Why would she send him to hell if she loved him?

_Humans… I’ll never understand them._

He went to sit back down in his sofa and really thought about everything. If Linda would’ve seen him, she would be proud.

He mostly thought about love and the concept of love. What is love? The Detective _loves_ him. And as much as she hurt him, the thought of that alone is enough to forget all her flaws and mistakes. Because when it comes to her, he’s as weak as it gets. She has this power over him like no other and it’s eating at his insides because he _hates_ what she did to him and he hated how it made him feel but hearing her say those words made him feel things no other has ever been able to before.

He’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit he had some kind of _feelings_ for her. He liked to be in her presence. He liked how she looked, how she smelled. He liked to make her smile and laugh out loud. He liked when she scolded him or rolled her eyes at him. He liked everything about her. And up until the recent events that transpired, she couldn’t do anything wrong in his eyes. Does he love her? That he doesn’t know. How does one now what love is if the concept of it has never been a given in your life?

He wants to forgive her. He knows people make mistakes and have regrets. Hell, he’s the king of mistakes and he doesn’t want to burden her anymore with guilt, knowing where she’ll end up if she doesn’t forgive herself. He wants her in his life because ever since her appearance, his life had changed for the better. On that note, he sends her a quick text.

_‘For our next case, try not to send me back to hell, kills the buzz._

_See you tomorrow Detective, 9am sharp at the precinct?’_

He wanted to lighten the mood between them, because he's missed her and wants things to go back to normal but it was hard to say the least. Even joking about it didn't sit right with him but he knew it would lighten her day. And he can't really deny her anything. 

_****_

When Chloe left the penthouse, she felt an enormous weight fall of her shoulders. She told him. She finally told him how she felt, what she’s been denying ever since the whole Candy fiasco. She loves him. _God,_ she loves him.

She doesn’t really want to think about the future, whatever this might mean for them or if she’ll ever see or hear from him again. Right now, she’s just glad he knows the truth. That she was able to maybe, just maybe, help him see himself in a better light. Because whatever shadow she helped cast over him, he deserved some light, he deserved _all_ the light.

She’s anxious too. What if she never hears from him again? What if this was it, the last time she ever saw him? She promised she wouldn’t bother him anymore so this might have been a very bittersweet farewell.

Before she could spiral much further her phone lighted up revealing a text form Lucifer.

_‘For our next case, try not to send me back to hell, kills the buzz._

_See you tomorrow Detective, 9am sharp at the precinct?’_

She led out a loud breath she didn’t even know she was holding in and started laughing – or was it crying? It was somewhere in between. This is exactly like the Lucifer she knows, and she had missed him. The relieve she felt was indescribable and by far the happiest she’s felt in weeks

_‘You still want to be partners?’ She wrote back, double checking._

_‘Well, I can’t let you screw up our perfect closing rate, now can I?’_

_‘Thank you, Lucifer. See you tomorrow!’_

_‘Sleep well, Detective.’_

_‘Sleep well, Lucifer’_

And for the first time in weeks, she actually slept well.

****

When Chloe woke from the sound of her alarm, she didn’t waste any time getting up. Today was the day she got her partner back and she was as excited as one can be. She didn’t really know what it meant for their personal relationship, but she’ll take whatever he has to offer. She took a quick shower, made herself look presentable. Maybe she thought a bit longer about what to wear than usual. And maybe she stood a bit longer in front of her mirror, but we’ll never tell.

She arrived before him in the precinct but that was quintessential Deckerstar, so off to a good start she thinks.

From the moment he arrives, she can feel the atmosphere changing. Everybody in the precinct is giving him their full devotion. She’s watching him walk down the stairs and greeting everybody with his Lucifer charm.

She’s nervous. She wants to act ‘cool’ like this is not a big deal, but it _is_. It’s a big, _big_ deal, at least for her. She’s not sure how to act so focuses on her computer screen, acting like she doesn’t know he’s approaching. _You can do this, just act normal_. She thinks to herself.

“Good morning, Detective”

She jumped up from behind her screen in a heartbeat.

“I got you a tall nonfat almond milk latte with sugar free caramel drizzle. Just like old times” He tells her with a warm smile on his face as he hands her her morning coffee.

_He got me coffee. How can he still be this nice to me? He really is an angel, god I love him._

She thinks as she’s accepting his coffee.

_Keep it in check Decker. He always did this, this is nothing new._

“Good morning Lucifer, it’s nice to have you back” She smiled

“Yes, well… I do have to admit that it feels nice to be back” He wasn't lying it was nice to be back even though it didn't feel very right just yet.

Both felt a bit awkward at the small talk, and the giant elephant in the room, but they just needed some time to get their rhythm back.

“ _So_ , what scandalous murder is on the agenda for today?” Lucifer asked, trying to avoid the awkwardness.

“Oh, yeah…I’m not sure yet, Ella’s getting more info as we speak. Something about a Homicide on sunset.” She felt the awkwardness as well and felt like clearing the air a bit more “Lucifer… I just wanted to apologize again and… and thank you for coming back to work, it means-it means a lot”

“There’s no need to apologize anymore, Detective. I forgive you.” He told her sincerely “We’ve all made mistakes. Now, let’s just forget the whole thing ever happened and never speak of it again” His intention were good and he did forgive her, at least that's what he told himself. But he would be lying if he said everything would be the same as is once was. 

“Are you, Are you sure?” She asked with a hopeful look in her eyes.

“Positive.” He told her straight.

Chloe nodded at him with a soft smile of appreciation.

****

It’s been a week now since Lucifer is back at work. And it’s great to have him back but she can’t fight this feeling that something is still wrong. He said he forgave her and he is really nice to her, he still brings her coffee in the morning and opens her doors etc. But somehow, it’s different, he’s more _distant._

He doesn’t really joke around anymore, at least not nearly as much as he used to. He never makes any innuendo, he always seems to keep his distance from her… It’s like he’s there for the sole purpose of work and not for her anymore. And that’s ok. She said she’ll take whatever he had to offer and if this is it, then she’ll gladly accept it.

It is hard though. It’s hard to work with person you love day in and day out knowing he’ll never see you like you see him again. But she’s accepted her faith. Of course, she would’ve rather see it pan out differently but she's just glad he still wants to be in her life. 

So, she stays silent about the subject. She just lets him do his thing, lets him keep his distance from her and carefully makes sure she doesn’t overstep her boundaries.

If it was up to her, she’d ask him to come over or have a game night or any of the previous things they used to do outside of work. But it’s not up to her anymore so she tries her best to be professional.

****

Another week passes and things are still the same. They work together and that’s it. She feels him growing more distant by the day, he doesn’t really look at her that much or acknowledges her presence. But that’s _ok_. He’s still here.

He’s not in today, some lux business to take care of he said, but he did send Amenadiel to fill in for him. She’s not sure why, she’s perfectly capable of handling a case on her own but she has a feeling it’s more for Amenadiel's benefit than hers. Maybe he needs something to put his mind off all the baby stress, she doesn’t really know but she's glad he wants to help.

She never really spent much time with Amenadiel so it’s nice to get to know him a bit better. They’re solving a case involving nuns so it was a perfect gateway to reflect her own personal conflicts on the case.

They talked a lot about Lucifer and his time in the Silver City. They talked about his vulnerability and her being a miracle. That wasn’t really new information; she’s come to know about it when she asked about Candy, but she never gave it much thought as she had too much going on at the time. This case seems to bring up a lot of questions.

By the end of the case, she had the most delightful conversation with Amenadiel. The case seemed to have made him connect some dots about Lucifer’s vulnerability and her being a miracle and all. He shared his theory with her and just when she thought she couldn’t love Lucifer any more he tells her that she is the only one who knows the real Lucifer and on top of that, Lucifer chose to be vulnerable around her. At least, that was before everything. But still. He chose to, for her, because he cared for her _that_ much.

Her heart melted on the spot and she wanted to talk to Lucifer. She wanted to discuss everything with him. Every single thing she got to learn about him from somebody else. She wanted to hear it from him as well. She wanted to have endless conversations about everything, anything. Because she loved him. She loved him so much that at this point, she could just listen to him breath and it would spark fireworks in her stomach. And it hurt that they’re not close anymore. She wanted to talk to him, but she didn’t dare overstay her welcome.

She was afraid that if she pushed him too much, if she forced him to spend more time with her or talk to her, he’d run away. And she couldn’t handle that. She’d rather have this version of Lucifer in her life than none at all.

So, she kept quit. Let everything built up inside.

And it worked. For a while. She held her distance, they continued working cases and she could keep her feelings to herself. Until today. Until now.

They were at her apartment, which was very rare these days. They just came from a murder scene and dropped by really quickly because Chloe forgot her phone. Lucifer was gonna stay in the car but Chloe insisted he’d come in because while they were there they might as well have lunch as well.

They were seated at her kitchen counter, side by side, enjoying their lunch in quiet.

“You’re bleeding” She noted with disbelieve when he cut himself by accident.

She turned in her seat and took his hand in hers to take a closer look.

“You’re bleeding” She said again, now looking directly in his eyes.

“Yes?...” He said with a very confused tone “I’d hardly call it bleeding though, it’s barely notable”

He said as he stood up to dab it under water and grab some tissues

“You still care about me?” The hope and disbelieve audible in her voice while tears were forming in her eyes again; she didn’t want to get her hopes up to high. But this meant something. It had to.

“What on earth are you talking about?” He still not following her track of thoughts.

“Amenadiel… the other day, he said… he said… well it’s more of theory but he believes that I don’t make you vulnerable…” She noted the confused look on his face so quickly continued. “But you... you choose to be vulnerable around me”

He took a second to take this new Information in and really consider the possibility of it.

“I think… I think you might be right” He said softly while looking her straight in the eyes.

“You’re bleeding right now. So… does that mean you still choose to be vulnerable with me?”

“I believe so, Detective” He said like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“So, you still care about me?” The confusion and tremble in her voice still very present.

“What do you mean ‘do I still care about you’? _Of course_ I care about you”

“Then why have you been keeping me at arm lengths ever since you came back to work?” She got of her chair and started approaching him more “You say you forgive me and it’s all in the past, but it shouldn’t be. I’d much rather that you talk to me and tell me what’s going on inside your head than having you avoid me every chance you get… I miss you Lucifer, I miss you like crazy, and I’ve been trying so hard to respect your wishes and keep my distance, but I don’t think I can do it any longer. I’d rather you just tell me you don’t want to see me anymore than stand by and watch you grow more distant as days pass by”

“You think I don’t want to see you anymore? Darling, ever since the night you told me that you loved me, I’ve been lost. You have no idea how much your words affected me. Every time I look at you, I want to hold you and never let you go.” His gaze deeply focused on hers “But every time I look at you, I’m also reminded of the hurt you’ve cost me. You, Chloe Decker are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. But you’re also the one who can be used to hurt me the most” He said simply, stating facts. 

“Lucif- “ She wanted to say something but Lucifer wasn’t finished talking.

“And I don’t know how to handle that. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared and I’m lost, and can’t seem to find any guidance, so just _tell_ me what to do Detective because I can’t figure it out for the life of me” A tear softly rolling of his cheek.

She started crying as well. She understands where he’s coming from and it’s going to take a while to earn his trust again. But she’ll do whatever it takes because he’s worth it. He’s _more_ than worthy.

She started to approach him more until she’s fully in his space. She takes his hands into hers and feels him flinch at her touch but lets her have her way. He’s not able to look her in the eyes so she forces him to meet her gaze.

“Lucifer… I know I’ve broken your trust and I promise I’ll do everything in my power to try and earn it back. I love you. I’m so in love with you it hurts” She’s crying but her sincerity comes through “I can’t tell you what to do. All I can tell you is that you have me, whether you want me or not, you have me. And if you’re willing to give this, whatever this is, a shot then we can work it out together. As partners.”

“I want to. You have no idea how much I want to. But I don’t know if I can”

“Then answer me this, would you rather have me in your life or not?”

“I want you in my life, Chloe” It was an easy question, so the answer came easily

She got caught off guard by the use of her name for a second but continued, nonetheless.

“And do you think there’s even the slightest chance you might get over this?”

He took a minute to really think about it. “Maybe” is the best he could do.

“Ok. Well, what do you think about taking it day by day and just see were things take us? I believe in this Lucifer, _us_ , and I have hope that we can make it out stronger on the other side. I just need you to take a little leap of faith here. Can you do that?” A Hopeful look featured on her face.

Lucifer nodded very softly, still doubting if this is a good idea, but he took the little leap of faith she asked for and started closing the gap between them, never losing eye contact.

The built up was slow, both gave each other enough time to back out at any time but from the moment their lips touched, they lost all their sense of the world and melted completely in each other, both holding on to each other tightly and deepening the kiss passionately.

Lucifer didn’t know what came over him. From the moment their lips touched he knew. He _knew_ he loved her. He’s loved her for a very long time and this felt like homecoming. Like he finally found the place he belonged. Don't be fooled, he hated her too, he hated what she did to him and he hated that he loved her. But _dad_ he loved her. And right now, the love overtook the hate, and he was sure that as long as they’re together they’ll figure something out.

They still had a long way to go. But she loved him, and he loved her and as for now, that was more than enough to start rebuilding the partnership they once had.

And you know what they say, Love conquer's all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a ride this has been phew. It was a real struggle getting this one to the finish line but we did it!  
> It's not perfect and I'm sure there are still some loose ends but it is what it is. 😉  
> When I started this, I had never written a fanfic or any kinda of fiction for that matter, and certainly not one in English (Not my first language) So I had to learn a lot - and still am. But I'm glad I did it and am proud of the result, such as it is.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. 😊


End file.
